i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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