Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
