And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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