I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
