so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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