I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Do vagina's smell?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
