I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
