you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
