Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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