Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
