I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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