My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
