he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
