This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
