my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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