o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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