I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
