Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize