just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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