Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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