I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
