What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
