I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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