Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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