On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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