Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
