I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
i now understand why vodka
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
