I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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