You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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