he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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