Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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