john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
