Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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