I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
