I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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