so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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