Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
its liver damage thursday
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