I'm jealous of your bromance
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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