Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
