she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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