i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize