The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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