A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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