i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
