So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
