a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
NoShamevember. You game?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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