First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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