I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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