This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Less talking, more tequila
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize