i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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