apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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