Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
