the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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