Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize
