I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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