and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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