i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
