why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
