Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
