I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
there's paper in my vomit.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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