Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
